Assuming the worst

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Love is Never Enough, Aaron T. Beck says, “Negative attributions—finding an unfavorable explanation for what a spouse does—constitute one of the more common thinking problems in marriage.” (p. 165)

In other words…

There are times when we all jump to conclusions about our partner’s motivations. When we assume the worst about our partners without first finding out the facts, we create unnecessary conflict and resentment in our relationship. If we instead give our partners the benefit of the doubt we can avoid unnecessary tension.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

The next time you are tempted to jump to a negative conclusion about your partner’s reasons for doing something, take a few minutes to calm down. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt until you learn the whole story.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Love is Never Enough.

Enjoying the journey

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Happier, Tal Ben-Sharar says, “Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable. Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.” (p. 27)

In other words…
Often we think that achieving our goals will make us happier. The high emotions we get from completing a project quickly fade, usually leaving us searching for the next victory. Long-term happiness is found in enjoying the process leading up to our success. By keeping our goals in mind, while still taking time to appreciate things along the way, we find greater happiness.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
Take time to appreciate the journey to your personal mountain tops. Enjoy the challenge of a difficult project. Use time in the car to notice the world around you or to catch up with your family. What other ways can you find to create more happiness on your personal journey?

To Find Out More…
about personal well-being, check out The Personal Journey or Managing Stress programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Happier.

Did you hear me?

Here’s a great idea…

In their book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish say, “Often what makes us repeat ourselves is a child who acts as if he hasn’t heard us. When you are tempted to remind the child about something for the second or third time, stop yourself. Instead, find out from him if you’ve been heard.” (p. 78)

In other words…
It is easy to get frustrated when we feel like our children are ignoring us. Children can be paying attention even when they seem not to be. Asking our child to repeat back to us what they have heard is a good way to make sure they have not only been listening, but have also understood what we have said.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
The next time you’re feeling frustrated because your child hasn’t acknowledged when you’ve said something, rather than fuss at them, ask them if they heard you and then ask them to repeat what you said. This can help prevent miscommunication and frustration.

To find out more…

about parenting, check out The Parenting Journey or See the World Through My Eyes programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Becoming the right person

Here’s a great idea…

Professional counselor, Lolly Pisoni, once said in an interview, “Having a healthy marriage is more than finding the right person, it’s becoming the right person.”

In other words…

One of the best things we can do to make our relationships happier and healthier is to become happy and healthy individuals. When we are vibrant and flourishing, we bring more to our relationships. We can increase the amount of positive emotions we feel by finding aspects of our past, present, and future to appreciate and savor.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Remember the good things that have happened in your past and choose to rewrite your negative memories with a positive theme by thinking of the good that came out of them. Stop to savor and appreciate the small things in life such as your partner’s smile, a blooming flower, or the taste of your favorite dessert. Anticipate the possibilities of good things yet to come.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent.

Reference:

Smart Living: Premarital talks head off trouble
Doug Carroll, The Arizona Republic, 05/09/2000

Being with others boosts our mood

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says, “Over and over, our findings suggest that people get depressed when they are alone, and they revive when they rejoin the company of others.” (p. 41)

In other words…
When we spend a lot of time alone, especially when we don’t have a clear goal we are working toward, it is easy for us to become overwhelmed by negativity. In the company of others, however, our minds are usually engaged in some activity or in conversation. When our minds are active it gives us a more positive experience and helps us fight off depression.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
Make sure you spend ample time interacting with other people. It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate. A lunch with a coworker or catching up with friends can go a long way toward boosting your mood.

To Find Out More…
about personal well-being, check out The Personal Journey or Managing Stress programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Finding Flow.

Children are human too

In his book, Soft-Spoken Parenting, H. Wallace Goddard says, “Very often we judge children’s behaviors based on their effects on us. If their actions (or inactions) irritate [us], then [we see them as] malicious—or at least careless and irresponsible. [We may believe] they are deliberately trying to make [us] crazy! [It turns out] children’s motives are [usually pretty] pure. They are trying to find ways to get their needs met and enjoy life. They probably even want to do what’s right as much as they can. Sometimes their mistakes are simply the result of not knowing better, being tired, or feeling thwarted and frustrated. To treat them harshly for their humanness is counterproductive.” (p. 39)

In other words…

Sometimes we assume the worst about our children: that they are little devils trying to make our lives miserable and should be treated accordingly. In reality, they are simply humans trying to do their best, but they inevitably make mistakes–just like we do. A more helpful approach would be to remember their humanness with a sense of compassion.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

The next time your child is irritating you, take a moment to consider their circumstances. Is your child tired or feeling frustrated about something? Is your child trying to complete a task that is beyond their knowledge or skill level? Try to find the reasons for your child’s behavior. When you understand that, you can better help them succeed.

To find out more…

about parenting, check out The Parenting Journey or See the World Through My Eyes programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Soft-Spoken Parenting.

The importance of service and sacrifice

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, The Heart of Commitment, Scott Stanley says, “Sacrifice [and service are] the highest expressions of dedicated, loving action because it asks you to show by your actions that you really mean it when you say you are committed.” (p. 193)

In other words…

The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our words of love and commitment mean little if our partners don’t feel they are sincere. Acts of service are one of the best ways we can show our sincerity. By putting our partner’s needs and wants in front of our own, we can show them how much they matter to us.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

This week, actively look for ways to serve your partner. Maybe you can do a chore that is normally their responsibility.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Stanley’s The Heart of Commitment.

Give thanks. Feel Better.

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Thanks!, Robert A. Emmons says, “Adults who keep gratitude journals on a regular basis exercise more regularly, report fewer illness symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and are more optimistic about the future.” (p. 11)

In other words…
Research shows that the way we think makes a big difference in the quality of our lives. We can cultivate a more positive outlook on life by regularly writing down things we are grateful for. When we chose to be grateful, we choose to have better lives.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
Write down 10 things for which you are thankful today. Did you feel the little buzz of happiness? Although all your challenges will not suddenly disappear, if you keep those ten things in mind throughout the day you’re likely to feel greater happiness and be more productive.

To Find Out More…
about personal well-being, check out The Personal Journey or Managing Stress programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You may also enjoy reading Thanks!

Don’t discount your children’s feelings

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Between Parent and Child, Haim Ginott says, “Most discipline problems consist of two parts: angry feelings and angry acts. Each part has to be handled differently. Feelings have to be identified and processed; acts may have to be limited and directed.” (p. 118)

In other words…

Sometimes as parents we try to put restrictions on what our children feel. All children are bound to feel frustrated and angry from time to time. We should not try to discount or squash these feelings. Instead, we should try to help our children find appropriate ways to deal with and express these feelings. In some cases, simply talking through what they are feeling may be enough. Other times we may need to help them find appropriate ways to act out their feelings, such as drawing a picture or running around the house.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

The next time your child is upset, talk with them and help them process and identify their emotions. Then work with your child to come up with acceptable ways to release their emotional energy.

To find out more…

about parenting, check out The Parenting Journey or See the World Through My Eyes programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Ginott’s Between Parent and Child.

How can I get my partner to change?

Here’s a great idea…

In her book, Why Talking is Not Enough, Susan Page says, “Of course, most of us want certain changes in our partners. The way to create these changes is to begin with what is actually the case and to accept it. Change happens when you stop trying to control everything yourself.” (p. 167)

In other words…

Sometimes we think our partners would be better human beings if we could only get them to change in this way or that. We then spend countless hours working on our latest “spousal improvement” projects. Then we are frustrated when things don’t turn out as we had envisioned them. Trying to get our partners to change in order to make us happy rarely ever works. While the need for our partners to change may be genuine, they will probably be unwilling to do so until they know that they are loved and accepted exactly as they are.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Let go of those endless pursuits to change your partner. The only person you can change is yourself. The next time you are tempted to try and change your partner, try instead to change the way you are seeing him or her. Some of the things that bug you about your partner might actually be his or her greatest strengths. Rather than looking for and dwelling on irritations, look for the good in your partner. Your positivity may transform your relationship.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Page’s Why Talking is Not Enough.