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Languages of security

October 28, 2013

Here’s a great idea…
In their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Patricia Love and Steven Stosny say,
“Both men and women want to have their relationship be a secure base, but ‘security’ feels different for each. He thinks he’s honoring the relationship because he can relax with her in the room (or the next room), and she thinks he’s failing the relationship because he’s not interacting with her” (p. 50).

In other words…
Partners expect different things from a relationship. It may follow the gender pattern described by Love and Stosny or it may not. But each of us is (unconsciously) looking for certain things in our partnership.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
There are two ways to bridge the inevitable gap. You may try to turn your unspoken expectations into reasonable requests. You might also make extra efforts to understand what communicates love and security to your partner.

To find out more…
about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden or the Getting Our Hearts Right program at, follow us at or contact your local county Extension agent. You may also like to read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

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