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How to get what you want

September 30, 2013

Here’s a great idea…

In their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Patricia Love and Steven Stosny say,
You must give what you expect to get. If you want compassion, you have to be compassionate; if you want love,  you have to be loving; if you want cooperation,  you have to be cooperative; if you want appreciation, you have to be appreciative day by day.” (p. 212)

In other words…
Sometimes we think that we will show love after we have received it. The problem is that, if both partners hold back until they feel loved, no one ever gets the love they crave. If we want love, we must be willing to show it. We may need to give love for large periods of time before we receive the rewards. Think of this as building up the balance in a bank account. You don’t get rich in love or money without making steady investments over time. As our partners feel safe in love, they are much more likely to respond in kind.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…
Most of us make a steady stream of calculations of benefits. We do the things that pay off for us and we avoid those things that seem like a lot of work with little return. This doesn’t work in couple relationships. Next time you find yourself holding back, make the choice to invest. Every day find a way to show kindness, give love, or offer compassion.

To find out more…
about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden or the Getting Our Hearts Right programs at, follow us on or contact your local county Extension agent. You may also like to read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

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