Remembering the simple pleasures

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Love is Never Enough, Aaron T. Beck says, “Simply keeping track of the small pleasures of their married life makes a couple more aware of their actual degree of satisfaction.” (p. 248)

In other words…

It’s easy to see our relationships as ordinary or boring—even when they are basically happy.  But there is a way to change that. When we start to be mindful of the simple, everyday blessings in our relationships, our joy increases. The small pleasures might include a simple smile, a kind word, a lingering hug, or even the loyalty and consideration our partners show.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Right now think of a pleasure you have shared today with your partner. See if you can think of three of them. Take time to bask in the pleasant memory. You might make a note in your journal. The more you can savor the little things, the more positive your relationship will be.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Love is Never Enough.

See the world through their eyes

Here’s a great idea…

In his publication, The Parenting Journey, H. Wallace Goddard says, “People do what they do for reasons that make sense to them. When a [person’s] actions do not make sense to us, it is probably because we don’t fully understand the [person’s] wants or needs.”

In other words…

We often accuse other people of being irrational or uninformed. We may think them quite stupid! But we may not realize that there is a logic to what other people think and do. If we want to understand others and work well with them, we should make an effort to see the world through their eyes. We may not agree with them but we can understand them.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Next time someone says or does something that seems idiotic, take that as an opportunity. You are being invited to get out of your own way of thinking and step into the other person’s. The best way to do this is to listen carefully and ask respectful questions until that person starts making sense to you.

To Find Out More…
about personal well-being, check out The Personal Journey or Managing Stress programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent.

Focus on the child’s feelings

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Between Parent and Child, Haim Ginott says, “When a child comes home with a host of complaints about a friend or a teacher or about his life, it is best to respond to the feeling tone, instead of trying to ascertain facts or to verify incidents.” (p. 20)

 

In other words…

 

Our children’s distress can set off alarms for us. We wonder if they acted badly or were mistreated. We may immediately jump into the roles of protector and private investigator. But, when children are hurting, they need someone to listen and show compassion. This helps them manage their feelings. Once they feel peaceful, they may be able to solve their own problems.

 

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

The next time your child comes to you upset about something, try focusing on your child. Don’t let yourself be distracted by your own reaction or concerns. See if you can see the world through your child’s eyes. Try expressing what the child is feeling: “Were you embarrassed when your teacher got after you in front of the whole class?” When you show your child that his or her feelings are important to you, this makes the child feel more secure and better able to face the world.

To find out more…

about parenting, check out The Parenting Journey or See the World Through My Eyes programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Between Parent and Child.

Do the work of loving

Here’s a great idea…

In their publication, The Marriage Garden, H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall say, “Marriage can grow from a handful of seeds to a garden filled with colorful, radiant life. But this won’t happen by accident. It will require careful attention to the well-being of the plants. We may need to increase the light of encouragement, the fertilizer of time spent together, and the water of kindness. We need to weed out destructive thoughts and actions while encouraging healthy growth. Steady investments in the relationship will assure a bountiful harvest.”

In other words…

We can’t neglect our relationships and expect them to grow and prosper. Just as gardens require regular attention, relationships require regular, enjoyable time together. They also require a willingness to understand our partner’s feelings. Unfortunately, many of us have been encouraged to deny our feelings. We have been told to be happy when we aren’t. We have been told to stop being mad when we are. So many of us are confused about our feelings and don’t know what to do when strong feelings occur. When someone takes a genuine interest in how we feel and—rather than arguing with our feelings—tries to understand how we feel, it can feel like warm sunshine on a chilly patch of the garden! For most of us it is a rare experience—and it is priceless!

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Both you and your partner can make a list of things you enjoy doing. Share these lists with one another and look for things you might do together. As you discuss potential activities, seek to understand your partner’s feelings and preferences.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent.

Choosing the way we think

Here’s a great idea…

In his book, Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman says, “Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think.”

In other words…

Sometimes we can get stuck in a pessimistic way of thinking. We may blame ourselves for the bad things in our lives, or we may assume things will never get any better. The good news is we don’t have to keep thinking this way! We can choose to view things in a more optimistic light instead.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

The next time you find yourself in a negative frame of mind take a few minutes to reflect. Remind yourself that many problems are only temporary. Make a list of resources you can use to help deal with the issue. Find something good that can come out of the situation.

To Find Out More…
about personal well-being, check out The Personal Journey or Managing Stress programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Learned Optimism.

A few simple rules

Here’s a great idea…

 

In their publication, The Parenting Journey, H. Wallace Goddard and Steven A. Dennis say, “Without rules, life would be a mess. But sometimes we make too many rules or silly rules. Good rules help children learn to work well with people. We can make a few simple rules and show they are important by enforcing them consistently.”

In other words…

Most of us make some rules carelessly. We just start telling children not to touch this or never do that. Children do not know we are serious about the rules until they see how we act. If we enforce rules sometimes and not others, children become confused. They may think we’re not serious about any rules. We shouldn’t make a rule unless it is important enough to enforce it.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

Think about the rules in your home. Do you enforce them consistently? You may consider condensing them into a few simple rules, like “We respect other people,” that you can enforce regularly.

To find out more…

about parenting, check out The Parenting Journey or See the World Through My Eyes programs at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Between Parent and Child.

Building connections

Here’s a great idea…

In her book, Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson says, “To build and sustain a secure bond we need to be able to tune into our loved one as strongly as we did before. How do we do this? By deliberately creating moments of engagement and connection.” (p. 142)

In other words…

When we feel secure in our relationship with our partners, we are better able to weather life’s storms. When we feel a strong connection with our partner, we are more likely to assume the best about them and give them the benefit of the doubt. We can build that sort of bond with our partners by taking time to be with them and by talking and sharing with them.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life…

This week take time for just you and your partner. Talk with each other about what is going on in your lives. Share your hopes, dreams, and even your fears. The more you can open up to each other, the more connected you will be.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent.